Workplace relationships can be complicated. Jobs often put us in a position to work closely with people with whom we may have little in common. Our coworkers or direct reports can come from various personal and professional backgrounds, employ different communications styles, and even harbor hidden workplace agendas.
Regardless of personalities and preferences, all employees are expected to create productive relationships with supervisors, reports, and colleagues. If you’re lucky, you find yourself among supportive peers with similar working styles. But many of us find we end up working with people who play by a different set of rules. Maybe they come from a culture or religion with a different set of social expectations. Perhaps their work history has taught them to behave in ways that confuse, intimidate, or make you mad. So when faced with that, how can you create productive relationships that help meet professional goals, identify commonalities, and build personal bonds?
I’m sharing some lessons below that I’ve learned during my years in social services. In this industry, we spend a lot of time analyzing relationships and building bridges across the divide. I hope these tactics can help you work better with your colleagues, direct reports, or supervisors regardless of your industry.
Embrace Diversity
While some racial, religious, or gender associations are easy to identify, others are not immediately apparent. Either way, we all have a responsibility to recognize that the people around us are influenced by different religious, racial, and cultural heritages and a range of gender identities. Considering and accommodating disparate cultural viewpoints is not only a smart way to get to know people, but it’s also a practical team-building approach.
It is imperative that managers and trainers realize they come to professional relationships with established status and privilege or lack thereof. So, when leading, training, or meeting, managers should actively work to acknowledge any barriers present. Sometimes this can be done by simply reading the room to gauge who your audience is. Other times, it makes sense to literally call out the elephant in the room. As a cis, white woman of a certain age, and the owner of my own company, when I am training a group of new hires that consist of African immigrants, I name it. I find a place to name it and use it as a training opportunity. Not acknowledging it can leave an unspoken barrier between me and my audience, team, etc. I find that acknowledging it releases a tension and frees up the exchange of ideas, and results in better learning and team building. It keeps our focused effort on the overall business goal.
Don’t Make it Personal
When working with clients in social work, we’re taught and we teach that anger, frustration, resistance, or even aggression isn’t personal. Each client comes to us with a complicated history and may even be experiencing an exceptionally challenging day. Our interactions are designed to be helpful, so if we get hostile responses, we’re taught that most reactions are not personal. I often tell my audience or team that when a client becomes angry, they see red–they are likely not even in their bodies anymore. You just happen to be the person standing in front of them at that moment.
Back in my day, there was a TV commercial for a toy that you could throw at a wall, and it would stick for a moment and then slowly ooze down the wall. I tell my audience, “Be the wall.” Everything the client says to you when they are angry is the slime; let it slide off of you. It is not yours to hang onto. This visual reminder can be used with an angry customer, an angry peer, or even an angry stranger.
I’ve always loved this saying: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” This famous quote is sometimes attributed to Plato but is probably the work of Scottish author Ian Maclaren. Either way, it reminds us that we sometimes get the brunt of other arguments, unrelated struggles, or forces beyond our control. So, when you experience unexpected or undeserved rudeness, remember that everyone is fighting a hard battle. Instead of feeling hurt, be the wall and let it slide. Remember, it is not yours to hold. If it is a work peer-related exchange, you may want to think about what could be making your coworker act in hurtful ways.
Be Empathetic
Once you’ve embraced the “it’s not personal” mantra, the next step is to be empathetic. Look at the situation through their lens. When you experience confusing reactions, try to think about factors that may be influencing that response.
For example, let’s say I ask my team to work on a Saturday to meet a big deadline. Three employees agree, and one explodes in anger and storms off. I admit that my first response would be to think that I have three great team players and one diva. After all, I never ask people to work on a Saturday, so why should one such request cause a team member to explode?
But when I take an empathetic approach, I realize that this particular Saturday could have some exceptionally high value to this employee. Perhaps it conflicts with a really important personal commitment. Or maybe I am not fully aware of how much extra time I ask of them…hmmm. That self-reflection thing can be a powerful tool. Even though that employee reacted in a less-than-stellar manner, my request in that moment or my previous behavior could have contributed to that response.
So, rather than assuming (you know what they say, “Assume makes an…”) that they are stubborn or unreasonable, I ask them to sit down and talk with me. I talk about their reaction to my request and then consider ways to better work through a similar situation in the future. Together we find a mutually beneficial option. I try to make sure that my management style didn’t trigger the response. And if they’re not willing or able to tell me why they reacted in that way, I usually give them a little space and the benefit of the doubt. After all, everyone is fighting a hard battle. Of course, if this is the reaction this particular employee has to any request, well, that is an entirely different topic for another day.
Listen
It’s not enough to simply register the words others say. You must hear what people are saying, understand why they are saying it, and make their input a part of your company’s success. That’s what a team is.
Effective listening means people feel heard. That doesn’t mean you need to fulfill every request, but it does mean you have to consider employee input, think about ways to address suggestions or requests, and explain why a demand or need wasn’t satisfied.
Listening is also about reading a room, understanding what’s going on around you, and being in touch with the emotional bandwidth of your workspace. Sometimes people tell you things through actions or inaction. Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your heart. Think about how babies communicate: they are not able to tell you they are hungry or tired or need a diaper changed. But as a care provider, you learn to read them by how they cry (tone, volume), the faces they make, and the positions they hold their bodies. Now, I’m not trying to tell you that your employees or coworkers are babies, but you likely already have the skill if you have ever been around a baby. And even if you haven’t been around a baby, you still have the skill. You just haven’t tapped into it yet. Believe me, I didn’t know anything about rearing a child, and yet I did it.
Stay Calm
One of the most effective ways to deal with an emotional outburst is to stay calm. Whether you call it being centered, Zen, level-headedness, quiet confidence, keeping your head on straight, or being the wall, a leader’s calm response is expected and respected.
Being calm is also contagious. Even-tempered leaders and coworkers help keep the people around them more grounded, mindful, and relaxed.
Establish Boundaries
One of the best things about the workplace is that it also provides us with a potential slew of friends. Having friends at work makes our jobs more fun and increases employee loyalty. So try not to discourage the development of friendships.
However, when it comes to positions of power, the supervisor must maintain some distance. Authority and friendship do not go hand in hand. So, if you’re tempted to buddy up to one or more of your direct reports, resist. Instead, make friends among your peers and avoid becoming too familiar with the people that report to you. Friendships also get in the way of objective decision-making. Friends who are your employees may assume their ideas deserve special preference. You may find it harder to say no. Maintaining boundaries helps you and your reports stay objective and professional.
There is a fine balance. It’s about finding that sweet spot where your direct reports feel valued, treated fairly, and cared about.
Respect Nature and Nurture
Every person on the planet is born with abilities and challenges. Sometimes as one ability grows stronger, other skills weaken. Great athletes are rarely great scholars (and vice versa). Some people are natural socialites, while others excel at spreadsheets.
As a supervisor, you want to respect and leverage natural abilities and skills. Just as importantly, you want to recognize limitations. No one is good at everything, so try to match skills and jobs and never expect anyone to perform at high levels for every task. That’s just silly.
Nurture also plays a critical role in office dynamics. An employee’s past training and experiences greatly influence their performance today. Similarly, an employee’s past office politics will also find their way into your workplace. If they had an abusive or demanding boss, you might find your employee is defensive. If they came from a cut-throat office, you might find they’re unnecessarily competitive or secretive.
Remember that behaviors are learned and, therefore, can be unlearned. Never just assume that an employee is quiet or talkative or selfish or giving. One-on-one employee evaluations/meetings are a great place to coach on such things. For example, the quiet employee may need support to speak up at meetings with peers, so finding ways to rotate meeting leaders can build confidence. The employee who “gives” all of the time may be struggling to get their own work or tasks completed because they can’t say no to a peer’s request for help. So, give them phrases to use to set boundaries with coworkers. Everyone’s work behavior is learned to some degree, and it’s up to you to help them learn how best to flourish in your office so that they can retire outdated habits and fit into your company culture.
Does This Make Sense?
Sometimes I write this stuff, and I wonder if the people reading it agree or disagree. Does it make sense to you? Does it ring true? Please let me know how you feel about these strategies in the workplace. I’d love to hear from you!